


sparkly red crayons

by 00hjs



Series: just stray kids things [4]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (kind of), Angst, Bittersweet, Childhood Friends, Falling In Love, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Lee Felix-centric, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentioned Han Jisung, Mentioned Lee Felix, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Possible Character Death, Slow Burn, a lil bit of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-06-30 22:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15761217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00hjs/pseuds/00hjs
Summary: "Because the sparkly red crayon is pretty, but Felix's smile is prettier."orIn ice and fire, Hyunjin and Felix find a way through. Always and forever, they used to say. But forever can be so cruel sometimes.(I keep finding so many damn typos in this someone plz proofread my stuff for me bc I apparently cannot do it lmao)





	sparkly red crayons

**Author's Note:**

> ahem hyunlix ahem  
> (is that even the ship name? i'm too tired to remember it's way too late for this)  
> also the writing is childish in the beginning because it's from the point of view from a four year old. on purpose. thanks.

Hyunjin is four when he steps inside a colorful classroom for the first time.

He’s four when he looks around and the red crayons catch his eye and he runs for them immediately, giving no notice to his mother because the crayons are red and some of them are sparkly and that’s enough for him.

His mother calls a goodbye after him and some of the kids are crying very loudly so he can barely hear her but he waves a hand back at her, caught in a trance at the beautiful red crayons. He reaches them seconds later and sticks his hand in the bin, the other one grasping one of the coloring sheets from the other side.

It’s a picture of a hot-air balloon, but Hyunjin can’t remember what it’s called so he’s gonna name it the floaty thingie in his head.

Hyunjin is coloring diligently with the sparkly red crayon he’s fished out of the basket, not giving a care in the world if he goes outside the lines and swinging his feet as he goes when a boy walks over to him.  
He has light hair that falls in his eyes and dots all over his face.

  
After a few minutes of staring, Hyunjin decides that the dots are pretty and he’s going to name the kid Spotty. Spotty comes closer and suddenly Hyunjin becomes protective of his sparkly red crayon and stuffs it in his pocket before the kid can ask him for it.

“Hi!”

His voice is not as light as Hyunjin’s, but not as deep as that kid in the corner who’s still crying for his mother.

“Hello.”

Hyunjin mumbles it because he doesn’t like new people because they’re usually scary and he’s very scared that Spotty is going to try to take his crayon away from him. Which he’s not going to allow, because it’s _his_ sparkly red crayon now and only he can color with it.

“I really really like your picture!”  
  
Spotty smiles brightly and Hyunjin notices that he pronounces his “r”s just the way he does and he has a nice smile and his eyes go all small and crinkly when he smiles. Hyunjin decides that he likes Spotty.  
  
“Thank you!”

Hyunjin spares the kid a small smile of his own and uses the nice polite voice his mother always told him to use when someone is being nice to him.

“Wanna come play with me? My truck is red, just like your pretty picture!”  
  
Spotty points in the direction of a very red fire truck that gains Hyunjin’s attention almost as quickly as the crayons did.  
  
“Um.”  
  
Hyunjin does want to play with Spotty’s truck, but he’s too shy to follow the boy at first glance. Also, walking to the truck will mean having to put his sparkly crayon back in the bin and he’s gotten too attached to let it go that fast.

“Don’t worry! We can finish your picture after! I’ll help you!”

That’s all it takes.

Because the sparkly red crayon is pretty, but Felix's smile is prettier. 

Hyunjin pulls the crayon out of his pocket and puts it down gently before Spotty tugs his wrist and they run to his fire truck.  
Hyunjin sits cross-legged on the floor while Spotty makes siren noises and they play some rescue game. Neither of them are quite sure what game the other is playing but they share the fire-truck and that’s all that matters.

And when Hyunjin gets tired of the fire truck, Spotty picks his hand up and takes him back to his table and his sparkly red crayon is still there. They even find another one so Spotty can color too, and they finish coloring the floaty thingie together.

The coloring is messy and Hyunjin’s half is scribbled lines and jagged edges, but to them it’s beautiful.

Hyunjin spells his name just the way his dad taught him at the bottom of the page and Spotty does the same thing. The only thing is that Hyunjin still can’t read Hangul very well and he’s too shy to ask Spotty what his name actually is.

Thankfully, Spotty asks first.

“What’s your name?” He swings his legs and sits on his hands, leaning forward so Hyunjin can count the pretty dots on his face.

“Hyun-jin.” He points to himself when he sounds his name out carefully and Spotty grins again.

“Hyunjin!” He repeats and giggles when Hyunjin nods shyly.

“I’m Felix!” He says loudly and Hyunjin furrows his brows. Felix is so much harder to say than Spotty.  
  
“F--eli-ks--eu?” He struggles to pronounce Spotty’s real name and he nods encouragingly.

“Mhm! Felix!”

“Fe-lix!” Hyunjin finally gets it off of his tongue and Spotty--Felix claps happily.

“Hyunjin,” He points to Hyunjin, “and Felix!” He points to himself.

Hwang Hyunjin is four years old when he meets Felix Lee.

-

Hyunjin is six years old when he first hears the term “short on money”. His mother and father are talking about it in the room below him but Hyunjin doesn’t care, because he doesn’t understand it.

Six-year-old Hyunjin is indifferent to anything having to do with the world, other than whether he’ll have peanut butter or grilled cheese for lunch tomorrow.

Besides, going to school means he gets to see Felix with his dots and his nice bright smile and Felix lets him copy his math homework sometimes and he lets Felix read his book sometimes and Hyunjin likes Felix a lot.

He skips down the stairs and passes his mother, who gives him a worried look that he doesn’t catch. He picks up his red and blue backpack and lugs it all the way up the stairs so he can do his math homework.  
He’s learning something called--addition and it’s very hard sometimes when there are two numbers instead of one but he knows that 3 + 2 equals 5 and 8 + 3 equals 11 and that’s enough to make him feel like he’s mastered addition.

He scribbles through the problems with a stubby yellow pencil and counts on his fingers when he can’t figure out the answer. But sometimes, the number will go past the number on his fingers and Hyunjin will have to draw tally marks and count them instead because he doesn’t have enough fingers.  
  
At dinner, Hyunjin tells his mother his problem.

“I don’t have enough fingers, eomma.” He says as he stuffs his mouth with the macaroni in his plate.  
  
It’s shaped like airplanes and bikes and cars and they’re a little distorted but they’re perfect to Hyunjin.  
  
“What do you mean, Hyunjin?” She asks, sparing him a glance as she puts a glass of water down for herself.

“I tried doing my homework and I got 7 + 6 but it goes past 10 and I can’t count that much because I don’t have--13 fingers.”

“Nonsense, Hyunjin. That’s why you’re learning math.”

The next day, Hyunjin tells his problem to Felix, because Felix is much better at giving answers than his mother is.

“Felix, I don’t have enough fingers!” He whines as they sit in the sandpit and Felix looks up from his sand castle. His lips go into an upside down arch as he looks at Hyunjin.

“What do you mean?” It sounds way more sympathetic than the response he’d gotten yesterday so he takes the cue to exaggerate even more.

“I tried doing my homework yesterday but when I got to 7 + 6 I couldn’t count it on my fingers because I don’t have 13!”

Felix drops his shovel and looks at his own fingers before giving Hyunjin one of the brightest smiles he’s seen yet.  
  
Hyunjin pouts, because this is a serious matter and Felix should not be so happy about it.

“Don’t worry! See, that’s why you have toes!”  
  
And Felix lifts up his feet and wiggles his ten more toes, and that’s the perfect solution, in Hyunjin’s mind.  
Felix, he decides, is a genius.

He doesn’t question the fact that he’ll have to take his socks and shoes off if he ever wants to count. Because Felix said it, and if Felix said it, then it’s right.

He doesn’t question the fact that some day, his addition problems will go past the number twenty.

He doesn’t question that he’ll lose count moving between his fingers and his toes.

Because Felix is smiling and Hyunjin is smiling and they’re happy, and in that moment that’s all that matters.  
And later at lunch, Hyunjin shares his grilled cheese sandwich and Felix shares his sugar cookie and with half a sandwich and half a cookie each, they’re content.

Hyunjin is six years old when Felix teaches him the secret of addition.  
  
-

Hyunjin is seven when he first falls out of a tree.

Felix is scampering up the one on his side and it looks like so much fun that he forgets all about his fear of heights and starts slowly going up his own tree. He gets about halfway up the trunk when he decides he doesn’t like the feeling of the bark scratching him through the shirt and his arms are starting to get sore and he can’t see Felix anymore and he wants to get _down_ , _now_.

Hyunjin looks down and shuts his eyes when the grass looks so far away and his jacket, which he’d thrown off, is too small from how high up he is.

And Hyunjin doesn’t like it.  
At all.

He doesn’t mean to let go, but his arms start shaking and his fingers slip and he falls.  
Later, Hyunjin will realize that he didn’t really get hurt that bad but right now, it feels like the end of the world because there is a long, ugly red cut going up his arm where he scraped it against the tree and it hurts.

It hurts, and as much as his mother will scold him and tell him big boys his age don’t cry it hurts and he can feel his lip wobbling and his eyes starting to well up.

Felix jumps down from his own tree and runs over to Hyunjin and pouts when he sees Hyunjin’s arm.

“Oh no!”  
And Hyunjin starts crying.

Because the cut is bleeding and Felix looks scared and now Hyunjin is scared and he wants his mom.  
  
“Come with me.”  
  
Felix grabs his arm, the one that’s not bleeding, and pulls him up gently. He tugs Hyunjin across the backyard and into his house and Hyunjin is still crying because his arm still hurts and Felix won’t tell him what he’s doing and he’s still scared that he’s going to die.

Felix takes him into the bathroom and closes the door and turns on the light and makes Hyunjin sit down on the counter in front of the sink.

“Wait.” He commands and Hyunjin does, mainly because Felix looks less scared and more determined and Hyunjin trusts Felix with his round earnest eyes and his pretty tanned skin.

Felix climbs up onto the toilet lid and opens the cabinet above it and Hyunjin watches him, sniffling every few seconds.

He looks through the cabinet and grabs some things Hyunjin can’t see and then jumps off and closes the cabinet.

He walks over to Hyunjin and he looks so sincere that Hyunjin forgets that he’s the same age as him and it’s very likely that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Felix rips open something that’s shaped like a square and has a very strong smell that makes Hyunjin wrinkle his nose and squint his eyes.  
He puts the square on Hyunjin’s cut and Hyunjin pulls his arm back right away because that makes it hurt even worse. The tears start coming down again because he’s pretty sure Felix is only making everything worse and he’s actually going to die and he doesn’t care if he’s supposed to be a big boy because he just fell out of a _tree_.

“I’m helping, I promise. It’s gonna make it better. Trust me.” Felix says and reaches for Hyunjin’s arm again.  
  
Hyunjin lets him and he almost pulls away when it burns again but then he remembers Felix told him to trust him and he lets him put the wet square all the way up and down the cut until the blood is gone.

And then he dries it with a tissue and points at the Band-Aid’s he brought with him.

Hyunjin points quietly at the SpongeBob one and Felix grins, opening up the yellow and blue packet and putting the Band-Aid on his cut.

“See? All better!”

And it doesn’t hurt anymore.  
Not because of what he later learns is an alcohol swab or the Band-Aid, but because Felix is smiling so brightly at him that he forgets all about the cut on his arm.

When Felix takes him back out to the backyard and makes him sit on the front steps with him, Hyunjin sits as close to him as possible and nuzzles his neck with his nose. It’s his way of saying thank you.

Felix giggles and Hyunjin decides that it’s the best sound he’s ever heard. Because Felix is his best friend and he’s never ever going to find anyone else.

Before he leaves, Hyunjin gains up the courage to lean forward and kiss Felix on his cheek quickly.

“Thank you.” He mumbles.

“You’re my special hero.”

-

Hyunjin is nine when he first learns the word ‘gay’.

He’s with his mother in the shopping mall when he walks by the fountain and he sees two men holding hands and laughing with each other.

He slows down a little bit and he looks at them because he’s never heard of anything other than boy and girl until now.

“Eomma,” Hyunjin starts that night after dinner when they’re both on the couch watching Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, “I have a question.”

Hyunjin’s mother hums and Hyunjin looks down. It’s not exactly embarrassing to talk about, but he’s never brought up the topic and he’s not quite sure how his mother is going to react.

“Eomma, can a boy like a boy?”

He rushes it all out on one breath and hides his face afterwards, so he doesn’t he see his mother sit up and look at him with a wondering expression.  
“Why do you ask, sweetheart?”

She doesn’t sound mad, so Hyunjin gets some courage and keeps going.  
  
“Because today in the mall I saw a man kiss another man and they were holding hands.”

His mother gives a small laugh and turns the TV off.

“Sure, Hyunjin. It’s not very common, but it happens, yes.”

Hyunjin looks at her.

They can? This is a new discovery for him. Why has he never heard of this before?

“So it’s okay for a boy to like a boy?”

His mother shrugs.

“Everyone’s different, Jinnie. If a boy likes a boy it doesn’t mean he’s any different from you and me. Love is love, no matter who it’s between.”

Hyunjin learns something new that night. And for some reason, it’s all he can think about. All until now, all he’d thought was that he could only be in love with a girl and he was getting frustrated because all his friends have what they call crushes on girls and he hasn’t had one just yet.

He just likes Felix.

Not the way the two men in the mall liked each other, but he only likes Felix. And Jisung, sometimes, because he’s funny and he shares his candy with Hyunjin and Felix whenever he has any.

The next day, Hyunjin shares his newfound discovery with Felix and Jisung when he’s sitting on the swings.

“Felix, did you know that a boy can love a boy?”

Jisung suddenly looks interested when Hyunjin brings up the conversation.  
“Sure. Why can’t they?”  
Felix kicks at the dirt with his shoes as he talks and Hyunjin is confused as to why he suddenly looks so uncomfortable.  
“My brother loves a boy!” Jisung chimes in a second later and Hyunjin feels a surge of hope in his chest.

“Really?”

“Mhm!” Jisung draws a heart in the sand underneath him. “And they buy each other gifts and flowers and he even bought my brother a ring! I like him.”

Hyunjin looks up at the clouds and then back down at Felix. Felix isn’t smiling anymore and for some reason, Hyunjin thinks that the topic is bothering him.  
So he changes the subject to what he had for dinner last night.

For some reason, it leaves a sinking feeling in his chest.  
He doesn’t want to eat at dinner and he doesn’t really know why, so when his mother asks him why he’s not eating he can’t answer her question.  
Hyunjin does his homework and goes to bed early but for the first time, he doesn’t fall asleep until twelve because all he can think about is this new information and Felix’s reaction.

Hyunjin is nine years old when he learns that he might like Felix a little too much.  
  
-

Hyunjin is ten when he learns just how mean people can be.

He and Felix are walking along the road when they stop at a crosswalk and wait for the light to turn green.

It’s the first time Hyunjin’s been allowed to go anywhere without his mother fretting that he’ll get run over by a car and die or something and the only reason she’d let him go was because he’d promised that he and Felix would stick together and not let each other out of their sights.

Hyunjin looks around and scans the people as he waits, tapping his foot on the ground. He hears a voice to his left and he turns to listen to it.

“--so tanned, it’s honestly disgusting. And he should wear makeup to cover those--impurities on his face. He’d be handsome if he didn’t have such horrid skin.”

Hyunjin feels himself get mad. He knows his face is probably getting red but the girl is glancing at Felix as she talks and he knows--he knows they’re talking about his deep complexion and the freckles coloring his face.

Hyunjin begs in his mind that Felix maybe didn’t hear them, but when he sees the crestfallen look on his best friend’s face, he gets mad.

In the back of his mind, he imagines him punching them both in the face, even though he’s a short ten-year-old who could probably cause no damage. It takes everything in Hyunjin’s small body to back away from the girls and grasp Felix’s hand tightly. Felix squeezes it back, hard enough that it hurts, but if it’s helping him in any way Hyunjin won’t dare to let go.

Felix says nothing all the way back to his house even when Hyunjin tries to cheer him up with the new jokes he learned.

He pokes Felix’s cheek gently and waits for him to smile his sunshine smile but he doesn’t. Hyunjin feels his heart sink.

Hyunjin makes Felix come to his house with him instead and takes him up the stairs into his room and makes him sit on the bed.

And a few tears roll down Felix’s cheeks.

Hyunjin sees red. He wishes every bad thing he knows on those two girls (even though the worst he can think of is that their flowers die) and sits in front of Felix.

He picks up Felix’s hands, the way Felix always does to him when he’s sad.

“Felix, I think your skin is beautiful. And your freckles look like stars! Like pretty stars in the sky! And you were way prettier than both of them, and everyone else I’ve ever seen.”  
  
Hyunjin says it fiercely, because he means it. He means every word he says and Felix looks at him.

There are still tears glistening in his eyes but they’re not rolling down his cheeks anymore and Hyunjin glares into space.

“You’re perfect and you don’t need that--whatever that skin colored stuff is to cover anything. You’re beautiful and perfect and--perfect!”  
Hyunjin shakes his hair out of his eyes and vows to himself that he will never let Felix look like that, not as long as he can help it.

“Perfect.” Felix mutters and Hyunjin nods vigorously.

“Absolutely perfect.” He repeats and Felix smiles.

It’s small but it’s a smile and that’s all Hyunjin wanted. It’s all Hyunjin wanted to see.

People are mean, he tells himself later that night when Felix has cried his eyes out and gone home.

He writes it down angrily on a piece of paper and crumples it up and throws it in the trash because Felix is beautiful with his tanned skin and his scattered freckles and no one has the right to tell him he’s not.

Hyunjin is ten years old when he feels anger properly for the first time.

 

-  
  
Hyunjin is twelve years old when he notices just how pretty Felix is.

It’s not like he hasn’t noticed before, but he turns thirteen in five months and lately he’s taken to paying more attention to things around him.

Hyunjin smacks his head against his wooden desk and throws his pencil into the trashcan and Felix giggles behind him.  
“It’s not that bad, Jinnie.” He says between peals of laughter and Hyunjin swivels in his chair like one of those evil scientists from Batman.

“Just because you’re good at math and I’m not doesn’t mean you can rub it in my face.” Hyunjin grumbles and Felix erupts into laughter again.

That’s when Hyunjin finds himself staring.

His eyes are a very pretty shade of brown, Hyunjin notices. Kind of like the hot chocolate he’d drunk from the store yesterday.

And his hair looks like copper when the sunlight shines on it, and it shines like those pennies he still has lying on the counter from when he buys candy from the convenience store.

And his smile gives Jisung a run for his money, Hyunjin thinks. While Jisung smiles big and bright and gleaming, Felix smiles like the sun. Hyunjin can’t explain it any better than that. That’s just what it is.

He smiles just like the sun.

“What are you staring at?” Felix’s finally stopped laughing and now he’s watching Hyunjin watch him instead.

“Nothing,” Hyunjin says easily, “I was just admiring how ugly you are.”

His insult game has gotten better recently, he thinks.

Felix pounces on him from across the room and Hyunjin falls off of his chair and they roll around in a cloud of dust for a while, and when they both tire themselves out and just roll to opposite ends of the room, Hyunjin looks at Felix again.

His eyes are closed and the sunlight is on his face again. It gives his skin a warm caramel color and Hyunjin admires it, much more than his own pale skin.

He closes his eyes and shakes the thought from his head to the math homework he still hasn’t finished.

Hyunjin groans involuntarily and Felix pops open an eye to look at him.

“Now what?”

“I just remembered you’re still in my room and it’s making me sad.”

That gets Felix on top of him again and Hyunjin finds himself happy when Felix touches him and hugs him, and for some reason, he wishes he had the courage of his seven year old self again because he really wants to kiss Hyunjin on the cheek.

It’s a best friend thing, he tells himself as he eats the rice rolls in his plate. He drops it from his chopsticks for the fifth time and his mother just looks at him disapprovingly.

“See? I knew letting you use a fork when you were little was a bad idea. Look at you now, you can’t even lift food properly with those. I should’ve--”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. He’s dropped food from his chopsticks a total of around six times in his entire life and five of them are from right now.

He realizes, that his mother seems more nagging lately. Like she expects more out of him. He sighs as he goes to bed. His room, no longer painted in superhero logos and instead just red and black striped, glowers at him as he turns his light off.

Felix is his best friend, he reminds himself as he drifts off.

Best friend, and nothing more.

Hyunjin is twelve when he starts to feel something different in himself.

-

Hyunjin is fourteen and in high school when he joins the soccer team.

It’s his final game.

Final game and he’s playing in the cold autumn air, passing the ball smoothly from foot to foot as he runs.  
And kicks.  
And the ball hits the net.  
And the bleachers erupt in cheers.

He’s the youngest on the team, just barely making it through and now, he’s being tossed from the hands of one teammate to the next in victory. His teammates are cheering nearly as loud as the spectators are but Hyunjin has one thing on his mind.

He searches the crowd for one face.

He spots Jisung, who’s smiling brightly and waving and he waves back, ducking his head and keeps scanning the crowd.

Is he not here? Maybe his science club got caught up? He could’ve--and oh. Hyunjin sees him.

Sunshine smile.

Somewhere in the back of his head, Hyunjin registers Felix as Sunshine Smile and now it’s sticking, so as he walks over, he calls Felix Sunshine.

He’s getting vague flashbacks to when he named Felix Spotty because he was too shy to ask for his name. He’s not sure how he even remembers that.

Sunshine grins when he walks over and he wraps Hyunjin in the warmest hug he’s ever felt.  
  
“You did it.” He says in his ear. “I’m so proud of you.”

And Hyunjin grins.

It’s all the praise he needs. The crowd’s cheers drown out because Felix is proud of him and that’s all that matters. It’s all that will ever matter.

He doesn’t let go of Felix until they make him un-attach himself so he can go get the season trophy and ball.

But as he walks, he can see Felix smiling his Sunshine Smile and Hyunjin is warm, even though the air outside is cold.

Fourteen year old Hyunjin could care less about anything, unless Felix is involved. Then, it’s his whole world.

He remembers the countless afternoons he’s practiced long and hard, dribbling the ball and shooting over and over until he’s numb and sore all over. And he remembers Felix waiting for him at the game every day with his smile lighting up his face and a bag of fried snacks they shouldn’t be eating but do anyways.

He remembers taking the bus home every day and Felix riding with him even though he passes his stop and has to wait a whole round every day for the bus to pass his house again.

And his heart warms up as he holds the sun-heated trophy and laughs with his teammates. It’s fun, the most amount he’s had in a while, when they go out for ice cream and pizza and stuff themselves until they can barely move.

It’s fun, but it’s not quite enough.

Because Felix isn’t there.

Hyunjin goes home and FaceTimes Felix until four in the morning.

Hyunjin is fourteen when Felix makes him feel like he’s floating high in the clouds.  
  
-

Hyunjin is fifteen when he finally learns what “short on money” means.

He’s fifteen when he finally understands what those worried looks between his parents and dozens of calls to the bank mean.

He’s fifteen when his parents let him know that he might have to transfer schools because the tuitions getting too high for them to be able to pay and eat dinner every night.  
So Hyunjin is fifteen when he gets a job.

On top of homework, the only shift he can work is the one that runs until three in the morning at their twenty-four convenience store. He drops soccer, drops dance, and gives up half his meetings with his friends in favor of earning a little extra cash.

Sixteen is the age he should’ve been allowed to work, but the manager was desperate and had taken pity on him (he’d looked really ragged that day) so here he is.

Hyunjin is falling asleep. He gazes around the room and downs another cup of black coffee. It’s funny, because a year ago he wouldn’t have touched coffee without it being mostly milk and half a ton of sugar. Now, Hyunjin realizes, it’s mainly what’s keeping him running.

The bells chime and Hyunjin looks up to see Felix walking into the shop, grinning wildly and looking way too happy.

“What?” Hyunjin asks, because he’s pretty sure he’s about to get a thorough explanation of whatever just happened whether he likes it or not.

“Guess what?” Felix sing-songs and leans his elbows on the counter. He looks remarkably similar to a twelve-year-old school girl.

“I just asked.” Hyunjin says drily.

Felix is glowing even under the artificial lights of the store and Hyunjin forces himself to blink away and stop being creepy.

“I asked Sarah out!”

Hyunjin feels himself freeze. His brain malfunctions for a second and his mouth is moving before he can process what he’s saying. Suddenly, he’s cold, even though it’s the middle of spring.

“You did?”

“She said yes! We’re going on a date and I need you to help me because I don’t know if she likes flowers or tuxedos and I don’t know where I’m supposed to take her and you need to help me because you’re better at this than I am.”

Hyunjin unfreezes slowly.

His hands are shaking, he notices, and he shoves them in his pocket. He doesn’t know why this is bothering him so much.

“Sure.”

It’s stiff and Felix gives him a look, all shining eyes and pouty lips.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.” Hyunjin says and smiles.  
  
“I’m so happy for you, Lix.”

Felix grins again and Hyunjin pretends it doesn’t make him shrivel up inside slowly.

That night as he lays awake, now at 5 AM, he kicks himself. It’s not normal to get jealous, is it? He doesn’t like Felix, not like that.

But for some reason, he hates Sarah.

Sarah is wonderful. She’s sweet, pretty, and she loves Felix.

But whenever Hyunjin sees Felix lean down to kiss her or throw an arm around her shoulders or give her the smile that’s reserved only for her or look at her with the light shining in his eyes that no one else gets but her.

It’s not that Hyunjin feels pushed away, even though he knows he kind of is. It’s not that Hyunjin feels like Sarah is being chosen over him.

Hyunjin is fifteen years old when he realizes that he’s young, dumb, and madly in love.  
  
-

Hyunjin is seventeen when he graduates high school.

When they reach the H’s and then the Hwang’s and the two other Hwang’s get called and then it’s his turn and Hyunjin can barely feel anything when he walks down the aisle.

His mother isn’t here. Neither is his father.  
His mother’s at work. She works almost twelve hours a day and it’s still not enough. Apparently, Hyunjin’s graduation isn’t nearly important enough to take off a couple of hours.

And his father.  
He’s probably off smoking somewhere, probably high beyond belief because he couldn’t give two damns about anything his family does anymore.

It doesn’t hurt anymore. It did, two years ago, when Hyunjin’s mother stopped watching his soccer games and then told him to quit. It hurt when his father stopped coming home every night and when he did was completely out of his mind.

Now, it feels like nothing.

So Hyunjin is numb to the cheers and the yells and the catcalls as he walks down and sits completely still during the ceremony.

Another year down, he tells himself. That’s all this is. Another year down.

It’s just one more year he’s managed to drive himself through, he reminds himself. That’s all.

Nothing special.

So when all of his friends get to go hug their parents and hear how proud they are, Hyunjin stands on the side. He’s not sad, he’s just incredibly numb. He can’t feel anything anymore. So when one of his teachers comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off and walks to the drink table.

Felix sidles up next to him when he’s pouring cider into a glass and hugs him.

“Your parents--”

“Didn’t think this was important enough to show up to.” Hyunjin finishes. His voice is icy even though it’s not Felix’s fault and he can’t find it anywhere in himself to care when his best friend’s face falls.

Best friend.

Hyunjin’s not sure if Felix fits that title anymore.

He’s so much more and at the same time he’s not.

Felix hangs around him less and around Sarah more. But then he’ll call Hyunjin at two in the morning for long whispered calls and silent fits of laughter.

He’s stopped taking the bus home with him. But during the school day he sticks to him like glue and he even drops by that wretched convenience store every once in a while.

Sometimes, Hyunjin sits outside on the steps by himself and wishes horrible things for Sarah. He always feels guilty afterwards because Sarah’s just like him. Young, stupid, and in love. The only difference is that she has Felix and Hyunjin doesn’t.

It’s that night, the night of graduation, when Hyunjin’s sitting on the lawn outside of the building and watching his classmates kick a ball against the moon, that Felix comes up to him with tears in his eyes.

And as much as he can resent Felix sometimes, it’s still his best friend in there. So naturally, he panics a little bit inside.

“She--broke up with me.” Felix manages to say between hitched breaths and immediately Hyunjin completely hates Sarah.

Because she broke up with Felix. On graduation.

Felix, who deserves the world.  
  
Felix, who deserves to be comforted by someone way better than himself.

Felix.

Hyunjin lets Felix cry into his shoulder for the next hour and tries not to let that twinge of hope rise up any further.  
Because Felix is normal, he reminds himself.  
Felix is straight. Like you should be.

Hyunjin is seventeen years old when he feels himself falling apart slowly.  
  
-

Hyunjin is eighteen when he gets drunk for the first time.

He’s not legal yet. He’s not supposed to be drinking. Hell, he’s not even allowed to buy cigarettes yet.

But he’s with a group of people and somewhere along the way a bottle of vodka had been produced and someone had brought those plastic colorful shot glasses for parties and they’re being passed around.  
And Hyunjin doesn’t refuse.

He takes the glass and pours the liquid down his throat. It burns and leaves an ugly taste in his mouth for hours afterwards but it’s strangely addicting.

In a way, it reminds him of Felix.

It’s not surprising. Almost everything nowadays reminds him of Felix.

So he drinks glass after glass, and when the bushes next to him turn hazy and he can’t tell if they’re green or blue, Hyunjin makes a decision.

He pulls out his phone and ignores the yells of his intoxicated friends whooping behind him.

And he calls the number he’s called hundreds of times in his life.

“Hello?”  
  
The voice makes Hyunjin hurt. The familiarity, the deep baritone that made it seem like he’d been through hell and back instead of puberty, is enough to stab him in the heart.

“Fe--liks--eu.” Hyunjin is mispronouncing the syllables, he knows it.

He doesn’t care.

He feels like a child again, on that day he met Felix.  
Felix, he decides, is too hard of a name, so now he’s going to call him Spotty. Spotty is a nice name, Hyunjin thinks.  
So Spotty it is.

“Hyunjin?”

“Yup!”  
  
Hyunjin giggles a little and flops onto his back. He wants Felix to say his name more. It sounds so pretty when Felix says it.

“Are you okay?”

Hyunjin pouts. Felix sounds sad. He’s not supposed to sound sad. Felix makes him happy, so he should sound happy.

“I’m perfect! I’m--happy! Happy.”

Hyunjin feels like he’s floating on something. LIke he’s all the way up in the clouds and nothing could ever bring him down.

“Spotty, did you know that you’re really really pretty?”

Spotty doesn’t say anything for a while, and Hyunjin frowns.

“Hyunjin are you _drunk_?”

Is he? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t remember anything.

“Um, I don’t know. But I do know that you’re pretty!”  
  
“Oh my _God_ Hyunjin you’re _drunk_.”

The stars are fading in and out, smaller and bigger, and Hyunjin squints. He wants to see them properly. They remind him of the dots on Spotty’s face.

“Guess what, Spotty? Your spots look just like the pretty sparkly things in the sky. The stars--the const--cones--contels--”

“Constellations.”

“Yeah! Your dots look like conelsations!”

Hyunjin’s words are slurred but he decides that Spotty needs to know, right now, just how beautiful he is.

“And you know what else? I have to tell you something very very special but it’s a big secret so you can’t tell anyone else.”  
  
Hyunjin, in that moment, taking wind of the alcohol, is ready to spill everything.

“What? Hyunjin, you’re not even legal, why are you drunk?”

“No shush Spotty, I need to tell you this. I love you so, so, so much!”

“Yeah, Hyunjinnie, I love you too.”

Hyunjin frowns. That’s not true. If Spotty loved him, he could kiss Spotty just like he used to when he was little.

“No! I never told you before, but I love you so so much! You make me happy, happier than anybody else and you’re so pretty! And I want to hug you all the time and I want you to smile at me and tell me you love me too but you don’t. That’s okay though, because whenever I tell someone I love them they always stop loving me. I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to be my best friend forever and ever!”

Hyunjin grins up at the stars as the wind ruffles his hair and laughs. The alcohol is coursing through his veins and making him brave, braver than he’s ever been before. His speech is slurred but filled with emotion and he hopes Spotty gets it.

“What?”

“I don’t remember everything I just said. But I love you so much, Spotty! And I don’t like girls, either. I never did! I don’t think you like it when people do that, but you’re my best friend and I have to tell you everything. I like boys and it’s okay for boys to like boys and I like you!”

“Hyunjin, you--where are you?”

Hyunjin looks at the green-blue bushes and the stars and the boys who are laughing and smashing bottles behind him.

“I don’t know. But I’m going home soon so you don’t have to worry, Spotty. Now there’s a cookie over there and I’m gonna eat it so I’m leaving. Bye Spotty! I love you!”  
  
Hyunjin blows a kiss into the phone and gets up. He stumbles to the packet of gingersnaps someone had opened and he stuffs one in his mouth.

He feels light; whether from alcohol or his confession, he’s not sure.  
  
Hyunjin is eighteen years old when he makes the biggest mistake of his life.  
  
-

Hyunjin is twenty the day he breaks.

His father? Dead.

His mother? Workaholic.

Himself?

He doesn’t know.

Felix?

Felix hasn’t talked to him in years.

Hyunjin doesn’t know where Felix is. Doesn’t know what he’s doing. Doesn’t know if he’s even alive or not.

He wakes up for classes, usually because of Jisung’s screaming. Somehow, they’d ended up in the same college, then friends, then roommates.

He doesn’t replace Felix though. No one can.

But Felix isn’t a part of his life anymore, Hyunjin reminds himself. He isn’t. It’s best to think that he never was.

“You grew up together!” Jisung protests.

“You’ve known each other since you were like, six!”

“Four,” Hyunjin mumbles under his breath. “And it doesn’t matter. He hates me.”

“How is that possible? What could you possibly have done?” Jisung rolls over and Hyunjin sighs.

“I told him that I loved him.”

Jisung doesn’t say anything after that. Hyunjin doesn’t blame him. What is there to say?

Hyunjin spends the next four months pining. He knows he’s never truly going to get over his best friend.  
His straight best friend who he’s so damn gay for that it’s not even funny. Hyunjin bangs his head on the wall and questions his sanity. He hates everything. It’s been two years and he’s not getting any better.

It’s on a fall day, the day Hyunjin turns twenty, that his phone starts to ring with a number that’s so familiar Hyunjin almost can’t believe it’s flashing across his screen.

“Jisung!” He screeches and Jisung comes running with a piece of bread in one hand and a knife in the other.

“What? Who’s dying?”

Hyunjin holds up his phone.  
  
“Felix is calling me! What do I do?”

Jisung gives him the most dead stare he’s ever received in his life.

“Maybe, like, I dunno, pick up?” He deadpans.

“Jisung he hasn’t talked to me in two years! Two! Years! Am I supposed to hate him?”  
  
“Do you?”

“...no.”

“So pick the damn phone up and let me make my sandwich.” Jisung rolls his eyes and pads back down to the kitchen.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath and slides Accept.

“Hello, this is Hyunjin, how can I help you?” slips out of his mouth before he can stop himself. He’s gotten so used to answering the phone with a formal greeting because of all the calls he gets from random students and professors and his dance instructor.

“Hyunjin, that’s not how you answer the phone to someone you haven’t talked to in two years.” Jisung offers his opinion as he sidles into the room with his sandwich in a plate and a shit eating grin on his face.

“Shut up.” Hyunjin says it out loud and then remembers he’s on the phone and apologizes.  
“Oh, sorry. Um, who is this?”

“ _Hyunjin_!” Jisung facepalms. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Hyunjin?”  
  
Felix’s voice is just as deep as Hyunjin remembers it was two years ago. It’s just as warm and familiar as it was when he was a child. It’s just as accented as the last time he remembers hearing it.

Which was on his drunken phone call.  
Hyunjin cringes just remembering it. Aren’t people supposed to forget what happens while they’re drunk?  
It clearly didn’t work out for him since he remembers almost all the tiny details from that awful night two years ago.

“Uh, yeah? Who’s this?”

“ _Hyunjin_!” Jisung facepalms again and Hyunjin’s seriously going to have to kick his ass after this.

“Um. Felix. This is Felix.”

Hyunjin panics.

He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say now.  
  
Why did you stop talking to me?

Do you hate me because I’m gay?

Am I supposed to hate you?  
  
I’m sorry I told you I loved you two years ago?

“Wait--don’t say anything. I know you probably hate me but could you hear me out, please?”

“Uh--just a second!” Hyunjin says nervously and clicks mute.

“Jisung he says I probably hate him but he wants me to hear him out what do I do?”  
  
Jisung snatches the phone from his hand and puts it on speaker. Hyunjin lunges for it but Jisung is agile and spins around to talk before Hyunjin can grab it back.

“Hello, asshole. Hyunjin is ready to hear you out now.”

Yeah, Hyunjin is definitely kicking Jisung’s ass after this.

“Um. Okay. I don’t know who you’re with but I don’t really care because you need to hear this. Listen, after--after what happened that night, I’m not going to lie. I avoided you. I didn’t want to say anything to you because I--I didn’t really know what to say. How do you answer a love confession from someone you’ve never thought of other than your best friend? Who also happens to introduce the fact that he’s gay?”

There it is again. Best friend. Funnily enough, it hurts almost exactly the same way it did two years ago.

Jisung rolls his eyes and leans forward.  
  
“Let me teach you, buddy. You say, gee, you’re gay? That’s cool, because I’m not homophobic. And then you say, hey, I’m not really sure about this whole love thing but like, thanks for telling me. And let me teach you what not to do. You don’t ignore this best friend who you grew up with since you were--five? Okay four--Jesus, Hyunjin I’m sorry, and then call two years later and be like hi, I’m back. Clear enough for you?”

Hyunjin slaps Jisung really hard on the knee and Felix says nothing on the other end of the line.

And then,  
“Hi, Jisung.”

“Oh what I didn’t think he’d remember me.” Jisung blinks dumbly and Hyunjin slaps his knee again.

“Anyways, look, I’m sorry about that. But I swear I didn’t avoid you after that. I thought about it. I told myself so many times that it was impossible for me to love a boy, and the idea was printed so far up in my head that I didn’t even consider the possibilites. Not once. But that night I wondered if you knew what you were even saying. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I realized that you weren’t the only one of us in love.”

Hyunjin’s breath stops halfway up his lungs.

“I lied, that night on graduation. Sarah didn’t break up with me. I broke up with her. I was crying because of how guilty I felt, how many times I’d told her I loved her when really, I didn’t. I never really understood why I took the sudden move to ask her out. I got it afterwards. Sarah was a distraction. To clear my mind. Because I didn’t realize it then, and I refused to realize it afterwards, too. And then I got it. Sarah was a distraction, from you.”

Jisung’s loud chewing breaks the silence.

“So,” he says between bites, “You were a stupid conceited asshole who avoided Hyunjin because you were in love with him, too?”  

“I--basically. And I wanted to tell you. I swear, I swear on my life I wanted to tell you. I didn’t want to avoid you anymore. But I moved back to Australia a month later. My grandmother was in the hospital because she’d broken her hip and she wouldn’t be able to do anything on her own, so we moved back so we could be around to help her. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have time to tell anyone. I couldn’t call or answer anyone’s calls because my grandmother lives in the suburbs and she doesn’t have a landline, and long-distance calls were so expensive that we cut them completely. I wrote you a letter, though. I don’t think you got it, ever.”

Hyunjin’s brain is going a mile a minute. Somewhere along the way, his hands fly to his mouth and he sits there with unwanted tears welling up in his eyes and shudders going down his spine.

Jisung gets up, pats his back, and walks out.

“Yup, you’re on your own, now buddy.”

"I never got your letter because I moved out the day my father died. My mother probably--decided it wasn't important enough to tell me." Hyunjin says quietly, shakily. “You--you don’t hate me?”

“God no, Hyunjin, I never could. Even when we were little I couldn’t stay mad at you for longer than five minutes because you’d start pouting and making puppy eyes at me.”

Hyunjin lets out a watery laugh because the unwanted tears are spilling down his cheeks now, and he doesn’t give a damn if he’s a grown-ass man, he’s going to cry if he wants to cry.

“I wish I could make it up to you. I really, really wish I could. I moved back here yesterday and I called around everywhere to see if I could find you. One of Jisung’s friends managed to track him down and then I got to you and I--I’m actually outside your dorm right now and it’s freezing so if you don’t hate me could you let me in?”

Hyunjin doesn’t think he’s moved faster in his life. He drops his phone and he doesn’t check to see if it breaks and jumps the stairs to get to the door. What if Felix is lying and he’s not actually there? What if he’s dreaming?

He throws the door open and jumps into Felix’s waiting arms.

Hyunjin is twenty when he breaks into a sobbing mess in front of his dorm.  
  
Hyunjin is twenty years old when Felix holds all 5 feet eleven inches of him and tells him he loves him.

Hyunjin is twenty years old when he finally puts himself back together.

-

And Hyunjin is twenty three the day it happens.

He doesn’t remember much except the flashing of lights and the squelching of tires and then bright hot pain and numbness.

The next thing he knows, he’s on asphalt, staring up at the sky as colored spots float in and out of his vision. He can’t feel anything, can’t move anything, and he’s terrified.

“Hyunjin. Hyunjin, can you hear me? Damnit Hyunjin, listen to me!”

Hyunjin forces himself to move his neck the slightest bit and shrieks when it sends bright hot bolts of pain racing up his spine.

“Oh my God you’re alive. You’re alive--oh my God. I thought--”  
  
“Felix I--I can’t _move_.”

Hyunjin hears himself rasp it out and it’s gravelly, almost as if the asphalt from the road is coating his throat.

“Oh shit oh holy shit--okay, okay, it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna fix this, you’ll be okay. I promise you you’re gonna be okay, you--you’re fine. We’re fine. Everything’s fine--”  
  
“Felix.” Hyunjin says quietly.  
  
There’s a strange feeling climbing up his shoulders, an even stranger one settling in his chest. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s pretty sure he’s paralyzed, but he can’t put his finger on it. His mind is too fuzzy and the clouds are drifting in and out of his vision.

“--the ambulance will be here and you’re not gonna die, you’ll be fine--”  
  
“Felix.” Hyunjin says it louder, just loud enough that Felix turns to look at him with tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Felix--tell me a story. Now. Tell me how we met. I need you to tell me how we met, right now.” Hyunjin doesn’t know why he’s asking. But he needs to hear Felix say it, needs to know he’s not dreaming.

Felix does.

In between sobs, he breaks out the story of the red crayons and the red fire truck and Spotty. He talks about how they’d spend hours arguing about whether the bug they saw had 8 legs or 6 and the time they face painted each other all over their clothes.

When he finishes, Hyunjin draws in a breath and coughs. It rattles his chest, but strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Hyunjin stares at one cloud in particular and blinks hard.

“Felix, hold my hand.”  
  
“Hyunjin what are you doing--you’re fine, I promise you’re fine--”  
  
“Felix, _just hold my fucking hand_ .”  
  
Felix takes Hyunjin’s palm in his, but he can’t feel it. He doesn’t feel Felix intertwine his fingers in his and he doesn’t feel Felix squeeze it as hard as humanly possible.

The cloud is starting to fade out at the edes, Hyunjin realizes. It’s blurring out and melting into the sky, no matter how hard he blinks.

“Felix, tell me you love me.”  
  
“ _Hyunjin!_ ”

“Felix, tell me you love me _. Right now_.”

The cloud is going smaller and smaller and the tops of the trees are blurring too, blurring into shapes and disfigurements and blobs.

“I love you. I fucking love you with all my heart and you are not allowed to die on me!”

“Kiss me.” Hyunjin orders softly.

The sun is going dark, too. Vaguely, Hyunjin realizes he can feel Felix’s hand in his own now, and he can feel his own fingers shaking in Felix’s smaller ones.

Felix leans down and kisses him.

“Breathe, Hyunjin, _breathe_ ! I need you to keep breathing, _goddamnit_ ! Where in fuck is the fucking ambulance?!”  
  
“I love you too, Felix.”

The sky is almost the color of ink now. The clouds and trees are gone completely and Hyunjin can’t see, even though he’s sure his eyes are open.

“Hyunjin no--stop that right now, _Hyunjin_!”

“Love you so, so much, Spotty. Almost as much as my sparkly red--cro--crayon.”

His eyelids are getting heavier and Hyunjin realizes slowly that it’s getting harder and harder to keep breathing.

He inhales heavily one time and lets it out.

“Actually, no. I love you--”

“Hyunjin no--”  
  
“Way more.”

It's like he's drunk again. The world is spinning, and he can't think properly, and slowly, his consciousness is dancing further and further away. 

“Hyunjin! You have to hold on a little longer, Jinnie, come on! I can’t lose you like this!”

“Goodnight, Spotty.”  
  
Hyunjin succumbs to sleep on a drowsy, lethargic exhale.

He doesn’t open his mouth to breathe in.

 

Hwang Hyunjin is twenty-three years old when he dies in the arms of Felix Lee, with a silver promise ring on his finger and sparkling red crayons in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> hyunlix, anyone?  
> i don't know what this is. i didn't really realize what i was writing until i was like 5k in and then it was over, but i'm happy i got to finish this thing finally.  
> kudos and comments are always appreciated, thanks for dropping by <3


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